Let me set the scene:

I’m out for drinks with two of my best girlfriends. We’re debriefing about an amazing date I had the night before. Only problem? The guy didn’t follow up with me. No text. No call. Nada.

Instant confusion.

My girlfriends and I spent some time debating if I should text HIM.

My one friend enthusiastically replied, YES. She tends to lean toward the more aggressive side and believes that if you want something, including a man, you should go after it.

My other friend was a little hesitant. She’s a bit more cautious when it comes to dating.

Ultimately, we decided to send a text. But I needed a little help crafting the message (come on ladies, don’t lie, you know you’ve done this, too). I handed my phone over to Friend #1- she spent some time typing what appeared to be a message a little on the longer side; something to the effect of- “Hey! Hope you’re having a great night. I had an awesome time last night and would love to see you again! Let me know when you’re free.”

Friend #2 took the phone, horrified. “This is WAY too long,” she said. “Remove exclamation points and emojis. Make this shorter.”

I took back my phone and combined the advice of my two favorite ladies into a message I felt comfortable sending. A message that was warm and upbeat, yet brief. A message that expressed interest but didn’t take things too far. A message that clearly expressed interest, yet left the ball in his court.

Guys, dating is hard.

Dating is complicated, messy, confusing, exciting, fun, terrifying, uncomfortable, thrilling and a million other types of emotions, all at once.

Advice about dating and relationships is everywhere. It’s hard to know what to do or who to listen to.

Enter: The Rules.

Or more specifically, a book titled, “Not Your Mother’s Rules: The New Secrets for Dating”, a follow-up to a book called “The Rules”, published in 1995.

Friend #2 in the scenario above lent me the book after that long text debate. She had read it and while she did tell me that she didn’t agree with everything in the book, she thought it was a worthwhile read and has been following some of the rules herself.

Let me say upfront that I am not setting out to bash this book. In fact, when my friend offered to let me borrow her copy, I was excited. I thought I might find some gem of wisdom to explain why I am still single.

I’m completely on board with the premise of this book. The authors ask questions like, “Are you tired of guys texting you, but not asking you out?” YES. “Have you had it with casual relationships?” YES. “Do you suspect you’re doing something wrong, but are not sure what.” YES, again.

However, there was one fundamental theme of the book that I simply could not get on board with, a theme that repeated itself over and over again throughout the 250+ pages.

“Play hard to get- because being a challenge is the secret to getting a guy…Don’t speak to a man first, don’t ask him out, don’t accept last-minute dates, don’t see him too often and don’t date him forever! These are the keys to dating.”

Let’s break this down further, shall we? It’s time to get real about dating and relationships.

All The Rules I Disagreed With

Again, while I didn’t read this book with the intention of bashing it, I do need to share my thoughts on some of the most crazy rules that I simply cannot stand behind. Things that made me shake my head, wondering if we’ve stepped back into the 1950s, to a time where women didn’t go after what they want.

• Scare tactics. At one point, the book literally says, “Follow the rules and you get a guy who is crazy about you. Break the rules and you get heartache.” Unfortunately, this wasn’t the only part of the book where serious scare tactics are used.
• When asked how long someone should wait to start dating after a breakup, the authors suggest that “one day is more than enough- the best way to get over a guy is to meet another one!” Wait, what? What happened to self-care and taking time for YOU? What happened to letting your heart heal? I guess none of that is important…instead, get your booty out there and get back on the saddle!
• While the book provided several examples of dating successes and dating failures, they were ONLY presented in the vein of following or NOT following the rules. Stories of women who followed the rules ended in marriage…stories of women who broke the rules ended in disaster and sadness.
• Apparently, men only like women who are skinny, have straight long BLONDE hair, long eyelashes and fingernails, wear BIG hoop earrings, mini-skirts and high heels. YUP. The book literally suggests a dress/beauty code for landing a man, all of which I would likely NEVER wear on a date. Essentially, the book suggests changing your appearance (curly hair to straight hair, fake eyelashes, teeth whitened, no glasses, contacts only) to land a man. The chapter on appearance ends with, “Men want to feel like they are dating a model or celebrity, so look like one!” I can’t…
• Similar to looks/appearance, if you’re overweight, forget about it and refer to Rule #28 with plenty of diet/exercise tips since otherwise, according to the book, you won’t find a man. While I agree that when you’re healthy and in-shape, you feel more confident and that often helps with meeting new people, I can’t get behind the advice in this chapter.
• A “Creature Unlike Any Other” or a CUAO (what every girl should strive to be, according to the book) does not overshare on Twitter. Oops, I guess I’m out. Follow me on Twitter! 😉 (Ha…ha)
• The entire premise of the book is basically to play so hard to get that I’m not even sure how real relationships begin in this way. The book advises never texting, calling, limiting the amount you share on dates, etc. It even goes so far to suggest not filling lulls in conversations- sooo….are we supposed to sit in silence? To me, a date goes two ways. It’s about seeing if there’s a connection and spark and the only way to do this, is by putting forth at least some effort. Otherwise, how can you get to know someone’s true self? In my mind, if you aren’t yourself on the first few dates, what’s the other person going to think when you finally start acting like yourself later down the line?
• OMG. This part of the book had me LOL’ing. In the section on online dating, the authors suggest instead of using a variation of your name or initials as your online dating username, instead, you use something creative…two of their suggestions included “BlakeLivelyGal” (if you resemble Blake Lively, that is) or “BlueEyedLawyer32.” I guess I should change my online dating name…any suggestions for me?!

Parts Of The Rules I Could Get On Board With

While the book feels extremely old-fashioned, there were a few rules I could get behind; a few fundamental ideas that made sense to me and may potentially make me think twice in future dating situations.

• Men and women are different. Plain and simple. We’re wired differently and we think differently. The book explains in detail some of these key differences that help explain why a woman might analyze a text with a group of girlfriends before hitting send, whereas a guy just replies without thinking.
• Here’s a line I definitely agreed with: “If you have to figure out ways to make a guy be with you, the relationship won’t hold up the long term.” I’ve found myself in many situations where I liked someone and put myself in situations to try to see the person again or start random conversations in the hopes of being asked out. The book explains that if a guy wants to be with you, it’s that simple, he will ask you out. Creating situations just to see someone in hopes that they will change their mind or suddenly realize they like you is pretty unrealistic.
• The book has MANY rules around texting. There’s even a text chart outlining age and “minimum text-back time.” While I think the minimum text-back time is slightly ridiculous, I do whole-heartedly agree with one rule around texting. The authors of the book advise that texting is for making plans only- it’s not for telling each other your life stories or having long, dragged out, meaningless conversations. I’ve found myself in so many situations where I’ve become “text buddies” with various men hoping it will lead to a date, and in the end, it just leads to more random texting about nothing. While I love texting and think it’s a great form of communication, when it comes to dating, things just get confusing.
• Keep first dates short. The authors of the book suggest keeping the first few dates on the shorter side and this is definitely something I’ve incorporated into my dating life. I’ll often let the guy know upfront, “I have dinner reservations at 8, so I’d love to meet you for a drink at 7” or something to that effect to put a definitive end time on the date.
• I did agree with a rule in the book about pacing a relationship. It’s a reminder to not dive in too soon where you’re seeing the other person every single day and forgetting about your other relationships, passions and commitments. This is something that’s hard to do- when you’re excited about someone, you want to talk to them or be with them all the time! (Been there)
• The authors suggest avoiding “mixed-message guys.” Unfortunately, these seem to be the guys I run into the most. Mixed-message guys continue to text you or randomly see you from time to time, but always have an excuse as to why they can’t see you or why they can’t be in a relationship. Avoid!
• If a guy wants to see you, HE WILL NOT CANCEL a date or ask for a raincheck. He will do whatever it takes to see you because he wants to get to know you.

I guess the conclusion I can draw from my dating experiences…and this book…is that what it really comes down to is, there are no rules. Every situation is different. Dating is messy. Things aren’t always easy. Following a set of rules is not a guarantee that you’ll find love or a successful and happy relationship. Conversely, “breaking rules” does not mean you’ll never find love and you’ll be single forever.

So, for all my single ladies, let’s get back out there, shall we? Let’s pave our own path, create our own set of “rules” and see where the ride takes us.

(Oh and also, according to the book, this blog post is the kiss of death when it comes to dating. One of the biggest rules about The Rules is not to talk about The Rules. And I just put all my cards out on the table. OOPS. This blog is all about getting real about uncomfortable topics that take us out of our comfort zones- dating being one of them. Sorry, I guess I’m just a rule-breaker!)

PS- Thanks to Girlfriends #1 and #2 for inspiring this post…and for being awesome friends with great dating advice <3

Let’s discuss! Have you read this book- agree or disagree with the rules for dating? Or, have a dating success story (or conversely, flop) you’d like to share? I’d love to hear ’em all!

Want more gutsy content delivered straight to your inbox twice a month? Be sure to sign up for my FREE #GetGutsy e-newsletter filled with inspiration, ideas and action items to get out of your comfort zone. When you sign up, you’ll also be sent a FREE copy of the Get Gutsy ebook, filled with 19 inspirational stories to help you get gutsy.